My first personal blog post for the new year seems appropriate as one of my resolutions for 2012 is to get more personal on my blog. And it doesn’t get more personal than this, so here goes.
It was a dark morning. And way too early to be woken up abruptly. But I heard the pitter patter of two little feet run into our bedroom and a tiny voice announcing he was awake. “I wake up Daddy, I wake up”. Yes Jackson, we see that. Groan. But, then he ran out of the room and before we could stop him, he went to tell his brother (who was happily sound asleep that he woke up). “I wake up Jameson, I wake up”. And it was all downhill from there. Or so I thought.
Jameson does not like being woken up abruptly, so he started to cry. I went to his room, picked him up off his bed, and asked him if he wanted to cuddle in Mummy & Daddy’s bed. Of course, he said yes. And so there we were. The four of us. Cozy (for lack of a better word) in our queen sized bed. Awake. Not ready to start the day. Double groan.
Co-sleeping is something we have never really done with our twins. It’s just too hard for us. They can’t sleep. We can’t sleep. It has always been a bit of a hot mess for us (laugh), so we have been training them from day one to sleep in their own beds at night. And for the most part, we’ve succeeded. But every so often, our bed becomes a little fuller with extra fingers tapping at our faces and extra feet kicking us to the curb. Triple groan. But this time … this one early morning while the four of us lay awake, something was different.
As I lay there snuggling Jameson, I felt a sense of peace. I embraced the moment, bad breath and all, because I knew that soon enough, he’ll be too big to snuggle with his mama. After about 10 minutes of laying quite still (in fact, so still I thought he fell asleep), he turned his body towards me, and that’s when it happened. That moment. When time stands still. He put both hands on my face gently. He told me he loved me (he also said he loved my “pretty long hair”) and began caressing my bottom lip as he fell asleep. Holding my face, I took that opportunity to soak it all in. The way he smelled. How his hair felt as I combed my fingers through it. How soft his belly felt under his fleece pajamas. As a mother, I know I’m not always going to be on. “Cherish every moment, they say. Life is short and this stage doesn’t last forever”. Yeah, I know. If I had a penny for every time I heard that statement, I’d be rich. But the reality is, raising children isn’t easy. At least it isn’t for me. And I’m not going to love every moment — and that’s okay. It’s quality over quantity for me. There! I said it out loud but I refuse to feel badly about this. A wise woman once told me something I’ll never forget. She said, “I love you, but I don’t have to like you right now”. I think that statement rings true for many parents I know. Certainly for me. But I know, no matter what … good or bad … my children have my unequivocal love. That has to count for something.
We snuggled in bed for quite a while until you saw your brother and Daddy get up. You turned to me, and in true Jameson form, you said … and I quote … “Mummy, you’re not soaking in the food okay”. Umm (laugh) okay??!! And that was it. Moment over. But in that moment, two mornings ago … and as tired as I was, I held your little body against mine, and in return you held my heart. I will forever cherish that moment. And more importantly, I will cherish you. In those moments that truly matter. And with that, I leave you with my heart x2. Robyn xo
PS: Please excuse the mess. My blog is still going through quite a few changes.
